5 Things Mom Never Told You

Welcome to my FIRST ever blog!! I don’t know if you’re supposed to start out with “Dear Diary” or just, “OK, so… I have things to tell you!” We’ll play it by ear! And here we go!

I’m Trenda and I’ve been in the direct sales romance industry since 2004. I have learned so many things that have been priceless and a lot of them are things I wish I knew as a kid. Most of the things I’ll talk about are the things that are HARDEST to talk about. My goal or mission in life is to entertain and educate as many as I possibly can and maybe help start some uncomfortable conversations. 

Being in the party plan industry, and especially being the vibrator sales lady has allowed me to speak about topics that are often seen as taboo. Being as insanely introverted as I am, with a very high social anxiety, I learned quickly to turn my party presentation into my stand-up routine. I am a self-titled comedian… even if sometimes I’m the only one that finds me funny. I love hearing the women I come into contact with say things like, “I learned SO much!” or “OMG! I haven’t laughed that hard in years!” and even with tear-filled eyes as many have said, “I had no idea other people feel the same way as me! I thought I was alone.” Um, no. We’re never alone, even tho sometimes it does feel that way. 

I’ll be very candid and be sharing my brutal honesty in this blog, which I’m sure will make my conservative, better half, Ashy experience nightmares and cringe every time she reads a title. But, if I’ve gone through it, seen it or done it, I’ll be sharing it! The good, bad and especially the ugly! 

I feel sincere that this will reach someone, somewhere and make a difference in his or her life and then it was all worth it and I’ve fulfilled my life purpose. How great would it be to be able to say that at the end of the day? 

I have gone through so many changes, twists and turns in my life, many of which I didn’t even see coming! I spent my 20’s trying desperately to be the person everyone around me THOUGHT I was. I spent my 30’s trying to learn who I actually was. Luckily, I’ve gotten to spend my 40’s being who I really AM. I gotta tell ya… I like her the most. She’s the funniest, craziest, happiest, saddest, most insane, craziest, smartest, most clueless version of me yet! 

1. The extra time you had in your 30’s will be spent managing facial hair in your 40’s. I have eyebrows that have seen some horrific things in their time. They’ve seen things that were so bad that many of them have entered an eyebrow witness protection program. Without endangering their safety, I will tell you that many of them were relocated about 4-5 inches south and every now and then can be spotted on my chin. As usual, when one spots these victims of abuse, they note it but do not “out” it, even to me. Which leaves me with tweezers in my car, purse, desk and perhaps under my left boob. The remaining eyebrows like to support the relocation of the others by growing incredibly long, incredibly fast. I believe they do so in an effort to thicken up the look of brow in a sort of “comb over” type of way, used by many middle-aged men. Just as I have said to many men, “That is fooling no one. Stop it.” 
2. Meditation is the best gift you can give to yourself. We’ll be diving into this subject MUCH deeper as time goes on. I wish I hadn’t waited until my 40’s to learn about this. It’s one of the simplest activities with enormous benefits. Just focusing on your breathing alone is one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. Meditation has taught me about mindful breathing – inhale to the count of 6-8, hold for the count of 4 and exhale for the count of 6. Do this at least 3 times consecutively. Mindful breathing has taught me that I rarely actually “breathe”. I think I’ve spent my first 4 decades of life sort of panting. I’m SURE that’s sexy to witness. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup and meditation is one of the best ways for you to refuel, revive and reset yourself. I searched YouTube for guided meditation and fell in love with many channels that I subscribed to in order to learn to meditate. I have yet to learn how to meditate on my own – the idea of clearing your head is where I get lost. I have an annoying as hell 3 year old who lives in my brain and loves to chatter incessantly: What was that? Did you hear a noise? Who’s talking? Is that YOUR dog barking? How are you supposed to clear your mind? Did Bailey fart again? –Yeah, she’s a fun girl! So having someone’s voice in my head talking me through meditation has been the preferred method for me!
3. Medication is your friend. About 450 million people in the world have a mental illness. Only about 449,999,894 actually talk about it. I am not a psychiatrist, but I do pay one a LOT of money so we’ll be discussing this further as well and hopefully making it a little less scary to talk about, too! 
4. Orgasms are medicinal. Orgasms don’t mean sex, they can be achieved through masturbation. I often hear, “I don’t have TIME to have sex every day!” Well, did I say that you should?! Your clitoris is like having the Easy Button at Staples. If you know what you’re doing you can be done almost as quickly as it starts – join the “Under 1 Minute Team” and you’re off to happy land! An orgasm releases feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in your brain that make you feel good, lift your mood and creates a feeling of euphoria. Did you know that orgasm is the biggest non-drug blast of dopamine there is that doesn’t require a dealer and a shady transaction in a dark alley? Orgasms make you happy and they’re free. They fight insomnia, improve your overall health, increases your self-esteem, reduces your stress levels and improves your relationships, just to name a few! This is another topic we’ll be discussing in great detail! Don’t worry – I won’t tell anyone that you ring your own bell! 
5. There are about a million other things, too. And here we go with the blog!